1 jan.
reading Jesus by James Martin, SJ. only the first twenty or so pages and i feel fresh eyes awaken in me. there is much to discover. history is one thing i need to ignite my faith.
family ties. new year gratefulness. more dignity needed.
Lovely Lady dressed in blue. teach us how to pray.
don't turn your mistakes into self-fulfilling prophecies.
* * *
4 jan.
the past couple of days have been relatively restful. going in chronological order:
on the last day of 2014
despite the turbulent start of having to run errands and do grocery shopping with the parents and arguing with my mother that no we do not need another pasta dish ...
my eyes were not much around but looking inward. i bought a book semi- on a whim, it was rather thrilling grabbing it and then just going to the till in the next 7 seconds. for some reason i felt that despite the uncertainty of it being a suitable present for my lola, i had to get it. that was the beginning, in the day, of looking inward. paying attention.
i knew i was grateful for a lot in the year, but it felt like i needed to know where that gratefulness was coming from to really feel it. for someone who started adult life surrounded by letters, i sure have been away from them.
i felt some breakthrough in conversation with K. just as my earthly life has been lived out of boxes and neat 3 and 6 year periods of different cultures, countries, and people... so has my interior life become.
my faith was not anchored on what didn't change. and so it did.
the conversation reminded me that i am a catalyst in my own life. but i have to look deep enough to realise that. the last three years away, at university, i was more displaced than ever - displaced in a place of displacement. most of my daily life was literally in transit. in 4-seater train booths and tired buses, on friends' couches... and so, so, so many encounters of differences to either reconcile with or just ignore.
i read the first few pages of Jesus: A Pilgrimage (James Martin, SJ) - the book i had bought earlier in the day. i knew then why there was such a strong feeling to get it. it was for me.
maybe i'll get another copy for my lola. maybe i'll lend it to her. maybe we can even read it together. lola's faith could also use some wind to fan the flame that hasn't changed in 20 years. to help her see how she can pray differently.
on the first day of the new year
felt blessed by the mass. there is a beautiful song that lola has the choir sing sometimes, and this time it was sung for the Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God. i have just looked it up and apparently it is a poem by Mary Dixon Thayer, popularised by Archbishop Fulton Sheen. my lola has a songbook by Sister Cecilia Maceren who made a little lullaby of a melody for a revised version of the poem. i am happy to find that the song wasn't the full poem:
in the song, God is replaced by Jesus.
*
the bustle for the tandem of new year celebrations and my father's birthday, coming solely from my mother, never fails to tip over the balance on this day. (meanwhile, my birthday doesn't always stir the need for even a cake.)
Lovely Lady dressed in blue
Teach me how to pray
Jesus was just your little boy,
Tell me what to say
Did you lift Him up sometimes
gently on your knee?
Did you sing to Him
the way mother does to me?
Did you hold His hand at night?
Did you ever try
Telling stories of the world?
O! And did He cry?
Do you really think He cares
If I tell Him things
Little things that happen?
And do the angels' wings
Make a noise? And can He hear
Me if I speak low?
Does He understand me now?
Tell me, for you know.
Lovely lady dressed in blue,
Teach me how to pray!
God was just your little boy,
And you know the way.
in the song, God is replaced by Jesus.
*
the bustle for the tandem of new year celebrations and my father's birthday, coming solely from my mother, never fails to tip over the balance on this day. (meanwhile, my birthday doesn't always stir the need for even a cake.)
i am wondering what has happened between my parents that sets this off. or maybe it i really just my mother's nature. i wonder why i am so easily affected. do i see myself in her? do i see the worst of me in her? are the bad traits of my parents all the traits i am trying to correct in myself?
it was a good lunch with the family and with cousins around.
we are more comfortable with each other now compared to the first time they came in october - i myself had mostly no idea how to be amicable, because 1. i felt very little familiarity, and 2. i was feeling some residue of resentment towards my tita's family - more specifically cousin 1, cousin 2, and tita - because of their reaction to my sister's wedding. now that i think of it again, they never really resolved it. they backhandedly criticised, and then seeing that it went ahead anyway, chose to then change their reactions. i am not sure if they had reconciled with my dad about it. but they surely had no communication with my sister apart from the facebook comments or notes on the timeline.
it was only cousin 3 who had reacted differently although he never ended up expressing his thoughts unlike his siblings. one day i'll get it out of him.
there was more laughter this first day of the year, despite whatever little pockets of tension. we cooked, ate, cracked jokes, and even played a game. in the afternoon, my family - just me and my parents - found ourselves on the couch watching The Amazing Spiderman. i realised we hadn't watched a single film together since we got back; something we did regularly in london. i was grateful.
but encountering my mom's tita was a fresh challenge that evening. we had only invited them for food, but somehow she had managed to make my dad driver for the night. the imposition was quick, subtle, and almost a joke - and suddenly her husband was saying, halina halina at ayaw ko masyado magpagabi. as he waited impatiently standing at the door and asked repeatedly where my dad was (he was just getting ready to leave at moment's notice, obviously), i could feel how angry i was becoming. it was my dad's birthday and his one request was to be able to watch Guardians of the Galaxy in the evening. my mother said not a word. she was just smiling, laughing, and got ready also to keep my dad company.
thought of the night was: don't turn your mistakes into self-fulfilling prophecies.
in my head, i faced the idea of making mistakes again. it was scary. and i had no idea how soon it would arrive. but i cannot react the same way again. i cannot be glued to the ground again. the mistakes do not define me.
2 jan.
when i wrote for the Hebrews devotional i am currently doing. i need to be more regular with this especially because things are becoming more busy.
this day was quiet. i ran errands, was able to read a little (i want to learn more about Historical Jesus.), had a voice lesson, and then went to mass with K and J. mass was nice and it was one of those moments where it felt like i was exactly where i needed to be. i think i've noticed that sitting farther down the church, away from the altar, around the middle, is a good distance for me. i feel like i can concentrate more. this house of God is so big. it is big enough to give me that small space i need to be solitary in community. i will have to communicate this with my lola, who usually expects me to be with the choir.
voice lessons are hitting a challenge peak because i am past the stage of beginner and am currently just at this in between beginner and novice and this valley really sucks. my lola had me record myself and i am horrified to listen to them all. i couldn't even finish half of Ave Maria. i sound different recorded compared to how i think i sound. there seems to be almost zero resonance beyond the inside of myself - which is what i hear, which makes me think i am at least a quarter decent. no wonder my lolo never says much, and just points to his diaphragm. i don't know how easy he thinks this diaphragm business is, but it definitely is not.
learning a new skill is making me realise the importance of repetition again. of practice.
(at the same time, i need to have another conversation with my lola that at the moment i cannot commit to being a full-time voice student because there are other things that need repetition, practice)
i have a lot of little patches of brand new skin, now. each day they blend in more and more.
*
i think 3 to 5 jan need their own space.
thought of the night was: don't turn your mistakes into self-fulfilling prophecies.
in my head, i faced the idea of making mistakes again. it was scary. and i had no idea how soon it would arrive. but i cannot react the same way again. i cannot be glued to the ground again. the mistakes do not define me.
2 jan.
when i wrote for the Hebrews devotional i am currently doing. i need to be more regular with this especially because things are becoming more busy.
this day was quiet. i ran errands, was able to read a little (i want to learn more about Historical Jesus.), had a voice lesson, and then went to mass with K and J. mass was nice and it was one of those moments where it felt like i was exactly where i needed to be. i think i've noticed that sitting farther down the church, away from the altar, around the middle, is a good distance for me. i feel like i can concentrate more. this house of God is so big. it is big enough to give me that small space i need to be solitary in community. i will have to communicate this with my lola, who usually expects me to be with the choir.
voice lessons are hitting a challenge peak because i am past the stage of beginner and am currently just at this in between beginner and novice and this valley really sucks. my lola had me record myself and i am horrified to listen to them all. i couldn't even finish half of Ave Maria. i sound different recorded compared to how i think i sound. there seems to be almost zero resonance beyond the inside of myself - which is what i hear, which makes me think i am at least a quarter decent. no wonder my lolo never says much, and just points to his diaphragm. i don't know how easy he thinks this diaphragm business is, but it definitely is not.
learning a new skill is making me realise the importance of repetition again. of practice.
(at the same time, i need to have another conversation with my lola that at the moment i cannot commit to being a full-time voice student because there are other things that need repetition, practice)
i have a lot of little patches of brand new skin, now. each day they blend in more and more.
*
i think 3 to 5 jan need their own space.
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