examen xviii

saw a photo of B today and it reminded me of my old life. it was some of the best days in england, living with her, because we were both aware of space we needed individually and the support needed to get through the last leg of university. thinking about this for a little while, in context of all that has been happening here back home, makes me realise that i am somewhat looking for that same rhythm. the time away from everything that allowed me to be 100% where i needed to be, to root back to.

it's never going to work and i'm never going to find that time - at the end or at the beginning of the day - because it is here, now, i am in it, 100%. my rhythm has become accustomed to feeling that i have to pull away from everything to be able to be grounded again.

you are home now. you are free to be.

it doesn't make sense to put new wine into an old wineskin, because any of that which is new and nourishing and awakening and sweet... it will fall through the cracks, the holes.

last night i made a promise to throw away the old wineskin. to put it to rest to gain real rest in what is new and what is present and what is the truth about reality. i don't think i have ever cried that much in three hours. it really felt like at that moment i just carried everything. i carried the weight of my mistakes, and i carried the weight of myself that K had felt all this time. it was all there and dispensed into the roll of tissue that V handed to me. i grit my teeth in frustration.

i feel that God has been very particular about making things manifest in my life right now. they are not pleasant manifestations but they are helpful. He helps me by making the state of my spirit very obvious. it's overworked in all the wrong ways. it is calloused (the dried skin where painfully itchy rashes used to be continue to peel). it is malnourished, it needs vitamins (my right pointer finger's nail is currently beginning to come off... from the bottom - it looks as if it has run out of nail to grow).

and still, my prayers and my focus has been on what i produce. what i accomplish. making all that better. fighting new battles with new techniques while still wearing armour old and tattered.

all my internet sources were conking out on me last night so i took the time to be with the parents. i was half watching Hercules (2014) and also reading news about the Pope - until my internet just really gave up trying. i think God was trying to tell me that i don't have to divide my time that way. that i don't have to compromise to seemingly appease two different parts of my life - because they aren't different. that if i am fully present in a moment i will see Him there. and i did. not giving too much away, because it is a good film that is worth watching - Hercules worked with and lived the fullest of his potential in spite of uncertainty.