a while ago, i almost started to do something incessant. i was going to 'prepare' to write in here. by pasting pope quotes and bible verses. and then arranging them so i can write in between.
i used to write every day out of necessity, because my mind was brimming with words and it needed to be laid out. why is there so much silence now?
and the preparing. arranging. researching. like, really, enough already. if this doesn't stop now, one day someone will ask me "how are you?" and i'm going to want to go away to do research in my own rigidly routine daily journal, read notes for the day, compare them with notes from the past week, and then calculate some sort of mean.
thank You God that you didn't allow my dissertation supervisor to get back to me about publishing my paper. i would have become the worst sort of nerd.
doing the research at work is a fresh challenge that should give me a better experience and healthier perspective, because it involves fieldwork. it isn't me at the desk surrounded by 100 books imagining the defense panel already scrutinizing just how i turn the pages. this is ironic because as a teenager i was an avid reader, but i wasn't booksmart. i guess i never have been - i just tried really really hard to 'back up' my othersmart-ness (?) .
anyway, back to the point. here it is, without preparation. because as Pope Francis said himself today, casting aside his prepared speech in favour of candid passion in his encounter with the youth...
Reality is superior to ideas. And the reality you have is superior to the paper in front of me.
the first drink of peace was at mass this morning when i continued my decision to stay in a pew rather than by the organ turning pages for my lola, or distracted by the ladies who painfully sing offkey often. this space...i really need this. to be able to sit and listen to the Word, to remember Jesus, without distraction. even within the celebration of the mass itself.
the breakfast at pancake house afterwards was not a drink of peace. my mother was again orchestrating/directing all things and i was bothered by it. she commented a few times about how food/drink was sitting at the counter and it would get cold. since i knew she was hungry, i offered her her share of blueberry pancake that was on my plate already, so she could eat. ma, gutom ka na noh? kain ka na, sayo naman 'tong isang pancake eh. hayaan mo na lang yun darating rin yan. she didn't take it well: hayaan mo nga ako!
the second drink of peace was in the car on the way back, catching a bit of Pope Francis' message to the youth at UST. Allow yourselves to be surprised by God. Don't be afraid of surprises. They shake the ground from under your feet. They make us unsure but they move us forward in the right direction.
the third drink of peace was the rain that felt like it covered me from the day's noise. in my room despite the mess of boxes and things to be put in place, i was able to read.
the fifth drink allowed me to not be affected by my parents. i calmly and easily helped in sorting the boxes in the kitchen extension, despite my dad's quiet negative aura and my mother's natural hustle and bustle. i realized, it was really my mother who chose this. she has tried so hard to make a home in transit. there are so. many. things. and i saw my dad tired of wrapping up yet another plate after the assessment that it is not needed in this house. life could be so much easier, so much lighter for them. for my mother, especially.
a sixth gulp was taken when i leaned back from a situation and overcame anxiety. i am not alone in work. there is no use for self-sufficiency. lighten up. don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything; tell God your needs, and don't forget to thank him for his answers. if you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. his peace will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ Jesus. (philippians 4:6-7, TLB)
No comments:
Post a Comment