examen xxv

and just like that, it's friday again.

it's half an hour to the next day and i'm not sure how long i'm going to last on this screen.

trying to recall the past week -

monday was the worst way to start a work year. but He breaks down and reworks to form in His good will. the worst things became the stone to step on to break through being under for a long time. on the phone in the wake of a plundering mistake and harsh truths, i was surprised that i wasn't burying myself in the sand or feeling like the dog poo that was out of place in V's car that evening. it was only a few weeks ago that i would have done, felt, and stayed as exactly that.

if that was the first day... let the rest of the days following defeat it. every single one.

tuesday was full of talking to people, and recalling talking to people. i began to feel a presence of mind that i hadn't had the privilege of the past few months.

it was my grandparents' 55th anniversary. i bought a tiramisu cake and stuck a cheesy opera rehearsal photo of them on a toothpick and stuck it on. i pulled their chairs closer at the dining table so that i could get a photo of them. corny ko daw, and my lolo was quick to jump away an inch when we requested that they feed each other some cake. 55 years sounds like such a long time. i don't know what kind of love is between them right now. it would be good to get a description but i am a bit shy to ask - and partially afraid to hear perhaps a truth that i don't want to hear. but they are both good, good people. with flaws like everyone else. but they are still here together. my lolo still buys lola decaffeinated Cafe de Vita even though it's probably a bit too much on the calories. and my lola is shuffling around with arthritis-ridden leg joints, making him tea when the helpers aren't around.

my eyes were feeling quite strained, so i thought i'd skip on a shower that night. the thought of closing my eyes and not having to receive any light in them at all was beckoning. but i brought to bed the warmth of a quarter of a glass of wine (?!) and a mind boosted and buzzing. at midnight i finally get up and take a shower and my temperature significantly improves and i can pray and fall asleep.

i am wanting to go back on paragraphs and edit the shifting tenses, but.

moving on

wednesday and thursday was heads down and cracking on. i don't think i've ever felt focused like this in this particular place of work until this past week.. and about bloody time, really. the work is here. it is a mountain and we need to get through it. i can't even say climb, it suggests that i move only myself. to get through a mountain (however you would want to do that) suggests a tedious task, to say the least, of moving myself and moving other things, other people, other matters.

J appeared at the office door on wednesday.

i think i remember the word zeteo arriving on a wednesday, too, for some reason. it was at my cousins' house in cubao where we had been exiled to because my mom had gone through radiation treatment for hyperthyroidism and being in-house radius of her meant a higher chance of not being able to have babies. i didn't care about having babies then. i cared about being uprooted from a home, from activities (Pentecost) in the church, and from some strange quasi-closeness due to geographical proximity with P after yet another fall-out.

it wasn't a coincidence, i suppose, for this word to emerge in the wildnerness. and i can tell that this is happening again. things emerging in the wilderness.

my brain didn't immediately register J's face, maybe because of his new hair. maybe because i haven't seen him in a while. maybe because i haven't seen him in a long, long time. he looked around the office and said, ano 'to, St. James?

he announced singapore but he didn't really answer my question asking what it's all about. maybe he assumes K tells me everything anyway. maybe he really doesn't care.

i haven't used the word melancholy in a long time, and that day the word found itself hanging in the room. singapore - what a great opportunity. from walking around in the mall because there was nothing better to do, to this. i think the opportunity is employment but it felt like he was flying solo and that he was really all in. i remembered when he showed me all the keynote presentations he made as we drove to manilafame. i kept saying how great it all was. i still wonder what happened after that day because he really stopped communicating after that.

i am grateful for the past week. grateful for the opportunities, the projects, the challenges. the chance to do work that could change people's lives. and just as i wrote that sentence, i really felt grateful. (writing helps this important disposition and emotion.) despite being tired and despite the unattractive thought that i have to wake up in 5 hours. despite the fear of failing and it having repercussions that are beyond myself. today is friday, and i am going to sleep.