examen

the whole day has felt like a headache pouring out of my eyes.

i think i stopped writing because it felt like i needed to do more than to write about it. the same way i’ve put down the camera. being instead of documenting. remote conversations with people became my new writing regimen. for a long time i thought it was okay. but i think i am realising with a lot of gravity that writing for me wasn’t just documenting, or archiving. it was an exercise. like the examen.

right now it feels like the examen needs to happen for the good part of the past three years of my life.

i have been back in the philippines for nearly a month and a week now. i am not sure where all the time has gone.

this must be a sign for the need of the examen; when i can’t tell where time has gone or how it has been spent.

the pain in my head began last night, as a kind of bottleneck pressure of tears that were expended for hours, but still wasn’t enough. i am not sure how this happens either, but coming round to a 24th hour of this finds me feeling like i’ve run a marathon. all joints, even the little ones on toes and fingers, feel exhaustion. is this something that i’ve successfully ignored up to now?

i stopped writing because it felt like it meant talking about myself for a period of time that had become uncomfortable for me. i seem to have forgotten the value of introspection and for a while have not seen it relevant to how i strive to be a better person.

right now feels like a big crash from being somewhere else i thought was secure. it feels like suddenly the ground beneath me is gone and i’ve fallen through.

the examen started last night when i prayed for myself on paper. i realise i have not done that since, perhaps, when i still used to write. i prayed to be emptied so that better work can be done through me. get rid of my expectations, Lord, and plant in its place a spirit of trust and giving.

the words that arrived in return of this prayer was clear, in a matter-of-fact kind of handwriting and pink ink. “no condemnation.”