(source)
i have been avoiding myself for too long. so much that i am beginning to disappear. and yet i feel somewhat sick of myself. like i have spent too much time looking into a mirror in examination of what is in front of me.
i don't know how i can feel these simultaneously, but what i do know it does is it makes this process difficult. i am always wanting to write, stringing up phrases in my head, thinking, contemplating, analysing, reflecting, and then when i see this white space, when i begin to try and bring out the rhythm of this typed process - i go blank. it used to come so, so easily. words were spilling out all the time and were able to spill accurately through my fingers and onto a white space. i used to die for the limited hours i was allowed for use of my laptop for leisure.
and i always, always had so much to say. but at the same time - i don't want to go back to exactly that. because i was an arrogant little bitch. while i was very complemplative and expressive and well-articulated, i was also purely misinformed by delusions of my own grandeur, or at least that of my opinions'.
in some ways i have always understood how God silenced me. how him finding me began a new part of my life that also saw the demise of that intense era of writing, of glamorous introspection. it was a part of myself that needed to die, because it was selfish and self-centered, and there was no space for God there. but i have not understood why i cannot write with the same intensity when it comes to my own journey of faith. maybe because a lot of the time i am just speechless about it.
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my writing was disrupted because of my sister messaging that there was a sale with cebu pacific. photo finish booking. work starts in 6 ish hours and i have definitely have to be centered. i have updated my trello board although i need to clarify some priorities tomorrow to plot out the rest of my week.
i cannot afford to keep making the same mistakes and operating on the same untruths that i have managed to trudge around on my back the past months. on some days i am okay, relatively, but i need to be okay on all days.
confront what i cannot control. i seem to be out of control with fear. it isn't a specific fear, rather, more embodied. i have been reading Forgotten Among the Lilies: Learning to love beyond our fears. and i haven't gotten too far yet but Ronald Rolheiser talks about an innate restlessness of humanity because of its need to return to God. that restlessness to me manifests as fear, because of a lack of understanding in how the restlessness can transform into the expectant, joyful waiting that paul speaks of to the romans.
i make decisions to choose life over death when it comes to words, thoughts of myself. and yet it is so easy for the thoughts take a backseat when another part of me is drowning out the sound of hope and replacing it with a fleeting drive to perform.
an angel spoke to me this morning at mass and said:
God will not fit in your small plans. that is why He has already prepared something bigger.
i have heard the term and read the verses about human planning in the midst of a perfect God... but Him not fitting because those plans are so small - this moved me. my life is so small. Lord. please take it and do what you will.
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