so it is nearly 2am now and i am here writing.
i'm starting this again to get to know myself. i don't know if i have said that every time i've resuscitated a writing habit. but right now i have really hit a wall and there are no more options of escapism. i'm enumerating the ways i have in the past, so that i actively avoid them this time. will enumerate to myself to make it as imperative as possible:
1. you compare the writing habit you are trying to pick up, with the writing habit you used to possess. you are never going to have that kind of energy ever again, and you haven't even tried to honour the energy you have now.
2. you are a perfectionist. you can't tell a story if you haven't told one that came before it. you have an incredibly heavy backlog of about 7 years. whatever the story is in one moment and if it presents itself to you as something to be written, just obey and write it.
3. you feel that writing about yourself is self-indulgent. for some reason, this only ever applies to yourself, never anyone else. in fact you will call it out if someone doesn't introspect or talks small and irrelevant. you are not so inconsequential that your stories do not deserve to be written and told.
4. perhaps, you are afraid of yourself. afraid of the words and the thoughts you will find. afraid of how your words will impact yourself and what is around you.
5. perhaps, you are afraid to love again. in any way. when was the last time you poured your heart into something? when was the last time you allowed something to be indispensable? something inside you has been dead for a long time because you wanted to fit into a mold. you wanted to get along.
but love will protect you as long as you are not afraid. so don't be.
no more escape. rather, inscape. to go into the inner depths.
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