how do i start excavating myself? i've begun to cling to You, and everything that isn't You is starting to melt away from me. peeling off of my skin. and it hurts but there is exhilarating freedom in watching this new skin breathe.
wrap my arms, around Your name
feel Your breath, against my pain
as I breathe out, the past is gone
i've been reading my old blog quite a bit lately, and it's made me wonder why i don't write anymore. i don't write anymore, despite the love for writing that hasn't faded.
i don't write anymore, although if there's any time i should be chronicling everything happening in my life, it should be now. so much has happened. i was in singapore for a week, i was at the hillsong united concert, my class sponsored the youth encounter and You kept me company, i lost a best friend (or so called, at this point i'm not even sure of that anymore), and the whole time i stopped writing i'd been witnessing stories unfold and i'd found You; You've been stripping me of everything i don't need and showing me what i should be desperate for. and though all these are incredibly detailed stories in my vivid memory, floating in my head... at this moment i find it hard to find the next line to write.
somewhere in this massive transformation, i lost myself.
"myself", meaning the hermit girl i was in 2006, who poured out everything into a white text box, who kept herself company with her own imagination and humor and lonesome. i talked to myself about everything i saw. and everything i saw, reeked of melancholy. if not that, then disgust, discontent, or rage. but on the whole, it was melancholy. i think it's rather safe to say that at that period of time, i really could have been diagnosed with depression - weight loss (diverted attention to braces), moodswings, extreme introvertness. i saw everything... except You.
and i guess that stage is one thing You've stripped me of. lifehouse's "make me over" has been played a hundred and fifty times since july 30.
"myself", meaning everything that i should regret but don't because without it i wouldn't have hit rock bottom; i wouldn't have been that low and looked up and seen how big You are, seen how small i am.
empty smile, naked heart
who I was falls apart
when You're here inside of me
but i can't keep everything in my head, in my head. it has to get out somehow, especially on a night like the one of the third of august - the only thing that keeps me company tonight is the sound of my keyboard, my breathing, and the rain.
i feel the rain makes all the difference.
this apparent stripping, seems to have left bits of layers behind. i still feel the same feelings i used to, i just can't articulate as well as i did. i think there's a slight feeling that i don't have anyone to tell the story to. there's also another slight feeling of seeing and feeling so much that it's just being blind and numb. like in the dark, feeling that what you see is blindness. like in the eye of a storm of a heartache, feeling that what you feel goes from static to silence.
feel till you're numb
depth perception becoming
the new deaf and dumb
2036hrs - an epiphany. the one i have to tell the story to is You.
i just changed all concerned pronouns in what i've written so far so that i can tell You the story. after all, it's about You.
You found me through a song on july 30. wounds open and fresh and taking over, You found me. i sat in my tiny space in the office, frozen for a while, tears welling up, while this song went through my earphones, and then my ears, and straight into my hungry heart.
that day i lost focus again. it's been happening a lot lately, i'm not sure why but i think it's because my eyes have been slit open and i'm seeing so much that i don't know where to look first. i have a tendency to do that, in an alarming number of aspects in my life.
but of course You already knew that. You broke me again that day. i felt like i couldn't do anything right, and to top it off, i couldn't say anything right to explain myself. "i'll go back to compassion when you've grown up," my maison said. suddenly, home felt like an empty room with bare cold concrete walls.
thoughts began to drown me again. just the other day i'd lost focus as well and my calculating mind calculated that this was probably the last straw. i couldn't be handled anymore. i slow people down. i'm eighteen but i still act like im far from it. and nobody wanted to stick around and wait for me to catch up. at that moment, i began to picture my life in london as gray as its clouds.
but going down the skyway... You did it again. just like in the dark of the conference room on september 23 last year, through the same person even. You said i was worth it. You wanted my attention. and You showed i wasn't closing this chapter of my life empty-handed. "i'm never gonna give up on you naman eh," she said, laughing at my face scrunched up in tears. i'm sorry i thought You would take away the home i shared with You.
another moment i wish i could keep in a bottle. i wish i could keep You in a tiny bottle that i could wear as a pendant around my neck, so i would never forget.
wrap my arms, around Your name
feel Your breath, against my pain
as I breathe out, the past is gone
i've been reading my old blog quite a bit lately, and it's made me wonder why i don't write anymore. i don't write anymore, despite the love for writing that hasn't faded.
i don't write anymore, although if there's any time i should be chronicling everything happening in my life, it should be now. so much has happened. i was in singapore for a week, i was at the hillsong united concert, my class sponsored the youth encounter and You kept me company, i lost a best friend (or so called, at this point i'm not even sure of that anymore), and the whole time i stopped writing i'd been witnessing stories unfold and i'd found You; You've been stripping me of everything i don't need and showing me what i should be desperate for. and though all these are incredibly detailed stories in my vivid memory, floating in my head... at this moment i find it hard to find the next line to write.
somewhere in this massive transformation, i lost myself.
"myself", meaning the hermit girl i was in 2006, who poured out everything into a white text box, who kept herself company with her own imagination and humor and lonesome. i talked to myself about everything i saw. and everything i saw, reeked of melancholy. if not that, then disgust, discontent, or rage. but on the whole, it was melancholy. i think it's rather safe to say that at that period of time, i really could have been diagnosed with depression - weight loss (diverted attention to braces), moodswings, extreme introvertness. i saw everything... except You.
and i guess that stage is one thing You've stripped me of. lifehouse's "make me over" has been played a hundred and fifty times since july 30.
"myself", meaning everything that i should regret but don't because without it i wouldn't have hit rock bottom; i wouldn't have been that low and looked up and seen how big You are, seen how small i am.
empty smile, naked heart
who I was falls apart
when You're here inside of me
but i can't keep everything in my head, in my head. it has to get out somehow, especially on a night like the one of the third of august - the only thing that keeps me company tonight is the sound of my keyboard, my breathing, and the rain.
i feel the rain makes all the difference.
this apparent stripping, seems to have left bits of layers behind. i still feel the same feelings i used to, i just can't articulate as well as i did. i think there's a slight feeling that i don't have anyone to tell the story to. there's also another slight feeling of seeing and feeling so much that it's just being blind and numb. like in the dark, feeling that what you see is blindness. like in the eye of a storm of a heartache, feeling that what you feel goes from static to silence.
feel till you're numb
depth perception becoming
the new deaf and dumb
2036hrs - an epiphany. the one i have to tell the story to is You.
i just changed all concerned pronouns in what i've written so far so that i can tell You the story. after all, it's about You.
You found me through a song on july 30. wounds open and fresh and taking over, You found me. i sat in my tiny space in the office, frozen for a while, tears welling up, while this song went through my earphones, and then my ears, and straight into my hungry heart.
that day i lost focus again. it's been happening a lot lately, i'm not sure why but i think it's because my eyes have been slit open and i'm seeing so much that i don't know where to look first. i have a tendency to do that, in an alarming number of aspects in my life.
but of course You already knew that. You broke me again that day. i felt like i couldn't do anything right, and to top it off, i couldn't say anything right to explain myself. "i'll go back to compassion when you've grown up," my maison said. suddenly, home felt like an empty room with bare cold concrete walls.
thoughts began to drown me again. just the other day i'd lost focus as well and my calculating mind calculated that this was probably the last straw. i couldn't be handled anymore. i slow people down. i'm eighteen but i still act like im far from it. and nobody wanted to stick around and wait for me to catch up. at that moment, i began to picture my life in london as gray as its clouds.
but going down the skyway... You did it again. just like in the dark of the conference room on september 23 last year, through the same person even. You said i was worth it. You wanted my attention. and You showed i wasn't closing this chapter of my life empty-handed. "i'm never gonna give up on you naman eh," she said, laughing at my face scrunched up in tears. i'm sorry i thought You would take away the home i shared with You.
another moment i wish i could keep in a bottle. i wish i could keep You in a tiny bottle that i could wear as a pendant around my neck, so i would never forget.
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