so it's been a fucking long while and this white box is still blank. i really don't know where to start and i'm getting really irked at myself for not being more calm and collected, so i'm just gonna sort of try to catch up with whatever's going on in my head with my fingers.
why do i feel like im running out of words? i guess this is the repercussion of my cease in blogging. regularly. which i used to do but don't anymore.
the video of louie giglio's talk saved my life last night.
the video said, He holds me together. i guess i never really believed that, for real, for sure, absolutely. in my life. not really. sometimes, i did. times like in YE6 when i knew what i was there for. when i knew what i had to bring to the table. but for me... JUST ME. no. not really. not when times came that i had to bring myself to the table.
do i see God in my life? no. i never thought that i was enough for Him to make Himself known. i never thought i believed enough. i always asked myself, am i believing enough? should i be thinking of this or that? should i even be asking? i always think, maybe i'm doing something wrong. maybe i have to be this much to be able to see. it's been so hard for me to believe that i am actually seeing Him in my life.
so it was really heavy for me to take in the fact that my parents didnt believe what i was saying the other night. because that day was one day i really believed. i felt it. it wasn't just me. in retrospect i guess i couldn't articulate properly, so they didn't understand either.
the video said, He sees me. i guess i never really believed that, for real, for sure, absolutely. in my life. not really. it's hard to believe that the One who knows how many stars there are in the sky, and knows all their names... will also tend to this broken heart. i never thought the latter really mattered. i thought, this is just me exaggerating. this is just me wanting attention. this is just me being a brat. this is just me expecting too much when i shouldn't even be expecting at all. this is just me (in the words of my parents) "thinking only about myself" again. this is me being too much for everyone else.
"thinking only about myself" - a phrase that's been drilled into my head since i could remember ever trying to stand up for myself. maybe one reason why i liked school (and how it kept changing for me every two years) is because me standing up for myself is necessary to see results. which i did.
but beyond school - and into things dearer, more delicate, more sacred... i never learned how to stand up for myself in a way that was contoured to this part of my life - the part that really mattered.
and unless i am truly alone, like in writing or in taking photographs or whatever other art i do, i never thought i really mattered. never really thought i was worth a second look. a line in Captivating put a hook through my heart and pulled at it last night. john was talking about how men get the feeling of "back off". and he'd said that their mentality is, (paraphrased) "this is as far as i'm going to go. you should be grateful that i'm even sticking around."
and that pretty much summed up my relationship with paco. and the thing is i did try so hard to be grateful. i thought, this must be all i deserve. because i allowed everything to happen. because i drove him away with my feelings. and the fact that he's still "here" - the little part of him - should make me grateful.
aside from that... i never know if i'm worth listening to when i talk. so i sort of blurt things out, like saying "ok this will be really fast lang i'll be done in a bit sorry." maybe i over-analyze body language and response. i almost always see a person bored. just waiting for me to finish.
... all this because i never saw me like He did.
the excavation is barely over and i still have to find out why i have become like this.
but now i know this much.. that i am WRONG. that i've been seeing myself the wrong way, if i ever see me at all. and that also means i see Him the wrong way. because He's in me, too.
and that gives me new light to see.
why do i feel like im running out of words? i guess this is the repercussion of my cease in blogging. regularly. which i used to do but don't anymore.
the video of louie giglio's talk saved my life last night.
the video said, He holds me together. i guess i never really believed that, for real, for sure, absolutely. in my life. not really. sometimes, i did. times like in YE6 when i knew what i was there for. when i knew what i had to bring to the table. but for me... JUST ME. no. not really. not when times came that i had to bring myself to the table.
do i see God in my life? no. i never thought that i was enough for Him to make Himself known. i never thought i believed enough. i always asked myself, am i believing enough? should i be thinking of this or that? should i even be asking? i always think, maybe i'm doing something wrong. maybe i have to be this much to be able to see. it's been so hard for me to believe that i am actually seeing Him in my life.
so it was really heavy for me to take in the fact that my parents didnt believe what i was saying the other night. because that day was one day i really believed. i felt it. it wasn't just me. in retrospect i guess i couldn't articulate properly, so they didn't understand either.
the video said, He sees me. i guess i never really believed that, for real, for sure, absolutely. in my life. not really. it's hard to believe that the One who knows how many stars there are in the sky, and knows all their names... will also tend to this broken heart. i never thought the latter really mattered. i thought, this is just me exaggerating. this is just me wanting attention. this is just me being a brat. this is just me expecting too much when i shouldn't even be expecting at all. this is just me (in the words of my parents) "thinking only about myself" again. this is me being too much for everyone else.
"thinking only about myself" - a phrase that's been drilled into my head since i could remember ever trying to stand up for myself. maybe one reason why i liked school (and how it kept changing for me every two years) is because me standing up for myself is necessary to see results. which i did.
but beyond school - and into things dearer, more delicate, more sacred... i never learned how to stand up for myself in a way that was contoured to this part of my life - the part that really mattered.
and unless i am truly alone, like in writing or in taking photographs or whatever other art i do, i never thought i really mattered. never really thought i was worth a second look. a line in Captivating put a hook through my heart and pulled at it last night. john was talking about how men get the feeling of "back off". and he'd said that their mentality is, (paraphrased) "this is as far as i'm going to go. you should be grateful that i'm even sticking around."
and that pretty much summed up my relationship with paco. and the thing is i did try so hard to be grateful. i thought, this must be all i deserve. because i allowed everything to happen. because i drove him away with my feelings. and the fact that he's still "here" - the little part of him - should make me grateful.
aside from that... i never know if i'm worth listening to when i talk. so i sort of blurt things out, like saying "ok this will be really fast lang i'll be done in a bit sorry." maybe i over-analyze body language and response. i almost always see a person bored. just waiting for me to finish.
... all this because i never saw me like He did.
the excavation is barely over and i still have to find out why i have become like this.
but now i know this much.. that i am WRONG. that i've been seeing myself the wrong way, if i ever see me at all. and that also means i see Him the wrong way. because He's in me, too.
and that gives me new light to see.
No comments:
Post a Comment