examen v

i woke up feeling a bit sad and a bit comforted at the same time. i dreamt i was with my lola and she was very weak, and i had to help her go about her daily routine. i also had to protect her from strange figures that didn't feel amiable. it made me feel sad to see my lola this way. she did however look the same as she does now, not looking unhealthy or weak at all. i wonder what her spirit looks like.

comfort came in the form of a completely unfamiliar male figure. this is unusual because people i connect with in my dreams are usually familiar. by way of my brain's means of reconstruction, i guess, nothing particularly poetic, unless it's recurring. he was helping me. i can't remember details anymore, except a army green shirt. and a profound feeling of gratitude.

i started a project today. i have been thinking of how i adjusted to life in the UK six years ago, and comparing it to how i am adjusting to life back in the Philippines. i started a project then. quotidie. it began around the same time, i'm just a few weeks earlier this year. if quotidie celebrated the everyday, namamahay wishes to discover what it means to be home.

it is a bit of an embarrassing admission that to realise i should do this, K had to say (paraphrased), Are you sure you want to hang out tonight? i feel like you have a lot of unprocessed thoughts and that you should spend some time in your home. your room. you need to make it feel like it's your own.

i used to be ten steps ahead of myself. never could iron out any other aspect or person in my life, but the self, at least, i knew about. perhaps one day i'll be able to laugh at this time, right now. but also maybe not (my fear says).

dear Lord, please let laughter ring. let joy arrive. let Love be greater than everything else.

a lot of effort has gone into forcing myself to be home. because why shouldn't i be? technically this is home. my brain says, You are home. this is a house, these are people, this is a street i have known since i was 3. these are people i have known deeply, the spirit kind of knowing. and yet somehow this isn't what i feel. somehow this third dimension, this world beyond pixels, is alien and i am trying to move as if it weren't and i am failing to move forward at all.

i put down the camera a few years ago because it began to feel like i was experiencing my life in retrospect, through documentation. right now it feels like maybe i need it because maybe my memory is really that terrible. and maybe it will help me with the words that need to happen, too.

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in other news, i am anxious about having to integrate into a workplace/force that is already running. all the frameworks and all the schedules got thrown out the window by politics. this is really a challenge. but also maybe it is an opportunity to be like water.

(notes for non-forgetting: extra-curricular. providing the right atmosphere. allocating a decent amount of time. creating a space for focused making. one hour a week for each class.)

today's calligraphy workshop with K was a lovely breather and has inspired me to really knuckle down on the ideas i have had for running my own for ceramics.