grace, God, in unexpected places.
i started a conversation with my lolo this afternoon to try and get an idea if he would like a book on Philippine history that i found in powerbooks yesterday. What books are you reading at the moment, i asked, because i knew he had 'reading time' in the wee third or fourth hour of the morning, and he always mentions that he is behind on 'all his reading'.
the first book he mentioned was one called After Jesus; about the history of Christianity. by now i can no longer recall the one or two other books he mentioned, because of the conversation that transpired.
he told me that i should read the book because it's very informative. in the context of the disillusioned Catholic in my lolo, i knew that informative meant that it was some kind of diplomatic church-bashing. and there was a moment i could feel i was about to turn on the defense.
as he relayed a few examples - how Christmas used to be the Pagan celebration of the unconquered sun, how confession was turned into a regularised process by a king who got a second chance at life and couldn't live it without blemish - i asked myself. why am i defensive? and what do i have to defend with? i don't know this history. i've read about a third of the bible at best, not in chronology and with little contextual knowledge beyond my own personal relationship with the sacred stories.
so i listened. and felt my mind and heart open. i remembered being at the dining table nearly seven years ago and having a heated discussion with him about belief. i had to step out because of frustration tears. in another instance, at the same place, it was him and lola and it ended in him storming up the stairs saying hay nako stop that! i don't need your prayers, away from lola praying out loud about his unbelief. i realised that he is different now. seeking. with a highly intellectual disposition still, but with the eyes of the heart opening. his voice is collected and does not escalate like it does when he talks about politics. i am so grateful for this.
siguro... may mga mali rin talaga sa bible. it was written some 300 years after Jesus' time. i somewhat agreed, acknowledging losses in translation, but also reminding the both of us that it was the Holy Spirit that wrote through servants of God.
perhaps partly in context with what has been happening lately in my own life, i suddenly could see the strings of continuity in all of the disparities of the Church that he pointed out. maybe those disparities happened so that change could take place. turning points rather than steps back. and one of my lolo's examples was about exactly that - he criticised how the Church could label Judas as just an ultimate betrayer, when it was prophesied and instrumental in the event on which our entire faith is anchored. so surely, there was something 'good', at least purposeful, about Judas' failure. He couldn't have helped it, my lolo defended carefully, Could he? otherwise where would Christianity be right now?
ever since Eve and Adam ate the apple, to be human has meant to be on a journey home to God. maybe that King was was granted a second chance at life so that he would change the idea of deathbed confession to become a regular part of dialogue with our Father, addressing the human need for a holy vantage point here on earth. maybe the excommunication of Gallileo on the basis of his findings and belief that the world was round, an excommunication despite the bible saying 'sphere' in reference to earth, was the opportunity for the Church to become more open and more discerning. perhaps it wasn't really that converted Christians 'stole' December from their old pagan religion and claimed it for the birth of Jesus, but that they had discovered truth and their traditions changed accordingly. perhaps the scandals had reached its peak because new leadership, new light, was to follow.
my lolo started talking about repetitive prayer. how it's in the bible that Jesus doesn't like repetitive praying. i don't know about that part of the bible, but i shared what i thought about the rosary, the only repetitive prayer my lolo does for the sake of his mother who taught him it and whom he loves very much. we ask often because maybe we are to learn what to ask for. maybe it's God helping us learn that. revealing His plans and causing us to knock the right doors. it reminds me of him, i said, how he is so eager to share his stuff. you only have to ask, he always tells me. my lolo laughed. and i had a feeling it was appreciative rather than dismissive. i fought against the small feeling of being belittled, and took a chance.
diba? i asked, smiling. my lolo just laughed. mali ba ako? still chuckling a little, tama. we high-fived.
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p.s.
thank You Lord for the absolutely genius idea of pairing my bluetooth keyboard to my iPhone. this new perspective on mobility is refreshing and surprisingly homey.
28 dec.
p.p.s.
Lord, please take away this incessant taking of time that i often end up doing in writing sometimes. take away this sickness of perfectionism.
i just had to laugh when lola started talking about perfectionism this morning after a short voice lesson. i want to hear you doing what you need to do in this house! practice, practice. i never hear you singing. don't say you are shy. that's pride.
i think voice lessons with my lola is helping me lose myself. be less conscious. on the very few good days of my sporadic lesson schedule so far, i feel like i disappear. in a way that is me feeling and seeing from the very core, from the inside out, rather than from the outside in.
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