to an extent my core has always been compromised. one, because a life in transit hadn't really allowed any deep roots to form. two, because of completely reclusive tendencies - perhaps a result of a transient environment, perhaps because of dealing with being bullied in my pre-teen years. being bullied is something i never paid much notice of, charging it to experience and the strengthening of moral fibre. until i started becoming interested in how people grow, education, and most recently horizontal social development. my sensitivity to 7 - 12 year olds is heightened now and looking back on what i went through in primary school, it is the type of thing campaigns are set up for to be against it. i wonder why it is always the fat kid who was the butt of everything. i wonder if kids today are still like that.
and so i grew up proving myself. a continual mode of defense that attempted to tell the world that i do deserve to be here, that there is more to my self that is actually likeable and not laughable.
in the more recent past i see that translated into my relationship with my parents, something i made a decision to improve on shortly before moving out to the UK. i don't regret the time and effort spent on giving back to my parents; it was also a kind of overflow of the abundance that i experienced in manila before leaving. i wanted to not be that kid who was sulky and unjustly unpleasant to them. right now the one scenario that keeps presenting itself to me is that in an argument or a difficult discussion, where they close up when i try to provoke/encourage communication as a means of resolution. it was in those moments that my Who had been chafed. silenced. because it was too much. too insistent. too repetitive. too self-righteous. and i didn't have the One thing to restore that worn down core.
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