just got home and opened my door to a room that had been completely rearranged. at first i felt… ‘no, i just fixed this and it felt more ‘me’ !’ the bed had been put back in its original place.
then i realised that there is now a desk and chair on the left side of the room.
i am grateful.
i am a bit sad because kath didn’t tell me about her successful work deal. katrise exclaimed about it in the car and i got excited and then found that the message wasn’t in the group. for a few seconds i wasn’t sure if i should message because she didn’t want to tell me or something. then i caught myself. i’m just going to message her anyway about it because it’s part of non-reactive relationship actions, which i’m trying to be more aware of.
oh she just messaged
i am grateful.
—-
the environment
lolo singing in the shower.
lola giving a voice lesson downstairs.
cold air from the fan.
new bedsheets.
rainless outdoors.
me
a bit of a headache. perhaps because i haven’t had coffee today.
a bit hungry, had a small lunch.
feeling less anxious about work, for unknown reason. i did what i could today, and there feels to be more clarity and peace about things. i don’t think anything has really changed about what i have to do. maybe there’s a bit of shift in petspective.
still battling with insecurities. remembering what has been told to me recently:
- you gotta be a bit thick-skinned.
- we are all in this frikkin boat.
- you’re slowing us down. you shouldn’t be.
- this isn’t you.
- we are just dealing with it. we chose to deal with it. so deal with it too.
- you know this. you know everything.
——
gratefulness makes me feel lighter this moment and i would like to be able to sustain such an effect in a difficult time.
just discovered our wifi is working again.
——
katrise today said that she has a definition of herself, based on something said in How to Train Your Dragon 2.
katrise: soul of a warrior
heart of a shepherd
i’m wondering what mine is. she’s not sure how to differentiate the two yet. maybe heart is the core, she said. and soul is a personality.
i can't seem to think of any 'people' that fit the description. what about objects?
the soul an airplane, the heart a vessel?
the soul a window?
the soul a vessel, the heart a window?
it feels like if i was asked this question 6 - 8 years ago, i would have been able to answer it in the next breath. why the uncertainty now? sometimes it feels like having eyes opened to the inside world has overwhelmed me. i have been silenced at how small i am. sometimes this is a good silence and sometimes it is not so good.
sometimes i can remember who i am. or who He is, that i may know who i am.
such is my inconsistency. i shuttle between american and british spelling, between here and there, between remembering and forgetting, between being whole and being fragmented.
No comments:
Post a Comment