examen xviii

19 dec

i sit here at the jeep stop along country club drive that is closest to my house.

my bag is heavy with a laptop for a meeting today. and its weight gives my brain some kind of translation for the real world. i also carry weight, beyond the physics class definition, and i feel it every day. i feel it right now as i anticipate a bright red car to pull up at the jeep stop. and in brief, civilised correspondence.

but despite all that is difficult and all that is past and all that is before what is yet to arrive... i feel home. i feel hope. (i wonder what kind of sign it is for those two words to be so close in composition.) hope was born here. and perhaps being completely hopeless in the place where hope was born, is the best cup. being in the darkest night at home means i can still feel my way round. like being able to walk in your own house in darkness because you know where everything is. being at home is that opportunity to truly feel, and see with the heart and not with the eyes. open the heart's vision.

i still wish that this didn't have to be at the expense of another soul. maybe this is a difficult lesson, a message that jolts me from recluse: you are not inconsequential.