i will forever regret this one moment where i was not mindful. where i didn't pay attention. it made me miss the crucial details in the conversation that would have told me what was really happening.
i am not usually like this and all my mistakes are so out of character. i have never been someone to be not mindful. to not pay attention to details. to not realise in a heartbeat what mattered more.
i wish i could take everything back. i wish i could step into a blue box and tell an old man to bring me back to where i last left my real life.
only God can do something with what's already there. He won't take it back though. but He will turn it into something new.
and while He makes a masterpiece i have to make sure i am making one too. co-creating. tilling the soil. sowing the seeds. because God is going to - already has - always is - catching up - caught up - with me. and He's going to be excited and He's going to have all that grace. and if i don't sow, and till... i am going to miss it.
today's round of old-word-digging has rendered the following:
from me:
"i have been thinking that this robot has taken over because i'm not facing what i'm really feeling. since i got here it's been like, you're in europe. you've always wanted to be here. absorb it. love it. you're in a better place. be happy.
and though i did pull that off the first week.. the more we settled in, the more i felt jaded.
and i realize now that the feeling is still the same. leaving singapore, the same as leaving the philippines. this time i just didn't face it.
...
never been good with transitions. and the only way i deal? full-fledged melancholy and introspection.
and maybe my whole problem these past weeks has been the very absence of that."
from her:
"perhaps the initial shock is still upon you. you haven't adapted to the fact that you are in some kind of prison because you're in transition. you're "neither here nor there" YET. it's like when the lights suddenly go off and you can't see but after a while your sight suddenly adjusts to the darkness and you can see the shadows and hues of light reflected by the moonglow. so i suppose in some divine way, we are in the right path. after having had a series of great miraculous moments we see this huge abyss and it seems that everything is impossible. hopeless. i can hear God saying now, "because i don't want you to be happy with just that." and it's true you know? because when it hit me the awfulness of this transition i started questioning God, "ito lang ba yun Lord? hanggang dito lang ba???" and it became really frustrating.
till it hit me that THERE REALLY IS NOTHING I CAN DO. NO HUMAN ABILITY of mine can take me to where i want to go. what heights i want to reach. what dream i want to come true.
try to find meaning in the routine. try to find airpackets. your defense mechanism has always been to get jaded. indifferent. close up. zip up. it's not so much as to recluse yourself like how i am y'know? but yours is really like to go zombie on me. or other people. and that's a bit harder to guage or assess or interact with because i don' tknow what the truth is at that present moment. i don' tknow what meaning you're absorbing. i can only guess. perhaps that's why i'd prefer to be a momentary recluse because at least it's CLEAR to myself and to other people. this is what i don't want. this is what i want. this is what i can live with. this is what i can't. etc.
i know i have more to say but right now i'm multi-tasking in finishign this email and chatting with ktrise. i'll email you a copy of that chat in a bit. but yeah...maybe it will help if we "live together" through this transition you know?
like make it a point to stay connected. make it a point to write even when you're SO TIRED. make it a point to blog. post pictures. like dont' get paralyzed and consumed by the "impossibility" of things. share share share. even the bad and awful stuff. if you have homework, share it too. if i can't really do it, i'll tell you. HAHA. but keep sharing adi. :) "
i remember this. words exchanged a month after arriving in london. i remember these feelings. but reading these words over again, it is just that strong a mirror. a black mirror. and right now is the black side. where time is quicker - or i am much, much slower.
i remember that my sense of purpose setting first foot in the UK was the same as me coming home this year: a purpose rooted in zeteo. and in both cases i have realised the need to contextualise myself by myself. but here on the black side it has come at a great price because i hadn't paid it off with the time i was given.
and the story has always been the same. i wonder how i dealt with it as a child.
nowadays, nowayears.. if asked how i am feeling off the bat: i am okay. it's like how i can hold in my pee for abnormally long and even forget that i need to go, then hours later i realise the under of my abdomen is aching and the process of expelling is slow. and difficult. and painful.
stripped, i look for the words to describe me. and i have barely any. so many, too many allocated for other things, other places, other people, other feelings.
i wanted everything else to be okay so i could be okay.
fucking stupid.
right now the question echoes. ito lang ba yun Lord? hanggang dito lang ba???
i can't do this. i have no hope for myself. because i've tried that and it's always thrown me a curveball. but i have hope in God. i have hope in His plans. the only way for those plans to happen, plans that are so amazing that it's nothing i can think of, is to stay focused here. where He has promised, and where He has laughed (and continues to laugh) at my own little stupid pointless plans. the only way to be sustained through waiting is to ask Him into the empty and broken places that wait to be alive, that wait for Life.
a prayer by origen:
May the Lord Jesus put His hands on our eyes also, for then we shall begin to look not at what is seen but at what is not seen. May He open the eyes that are concerned not with the present but with what is yet to come, may He unseal the heart's vision, that we may gaze on God in the Spirit, through the same Lord Jesus Christ, where glory and power will endure throughout the unending succession of ages.
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